We grow up learning to avoid being seen as the bad guy. In friendships, family, and work, we’re conditioned to stay agreeable, likable, and safe. But growth disrupts comfort. And sometimes that disruption means you’ll be cast as the villain in someone else’s story.

The label stings because it cuts at our deepest need to belong. No one wants to be misunderstood or made the problem. Yet when you begin saying no, holding boundaries, or moving in a new direction, it unsettles people who benefitted from the old you. Their discomfort doesn’t make you wrong, but it can make you question yourself. 

The real danger isn’t being painted as a villain — it’s shrinking back into old habits just to keep the peace. When you compromise your own growth to stay liked, you become your own villain.

Villain Is Just Perspective

Heroes and villains often share the same story, just told from different seats at the table. A boundary that feels like rejection to one person may simply be self-preservation to you. A no that looks like betrayal might be the very act that kept you whole.

And here’s the nuance: they’re not always villains either. Sometimes two roads just don’t keep running side by side. Giving yourself — and them — grace for choosing different paths is part of growth. That’s not bad. That’s life.

Reframing “villain” as perspective helps loosen the grip of shame and judgment. While they get to write their story and have their own narrative, you’re allowed to claim your own version as well. One that names your growth as courage, not betrayal.

The Temptation to Shrink

Knowing its perspective doesn’t stop the echo of doubt. When others are unsettled by our growth, the urge to quiet ourselves, to bend back into comfort, can feel almost irresistible.

When you feel misunderstood, the temptation is to go back to the version of yourself that kept everyone else comfortable. You say yes when you mean no. You dim your light so no one else feels threatened. You keep the peace by keeping yourself small.

But peace at the expense of yourself isn’t peace. It’s avoidance. And it comes at the cost of your joy, your energy, your becoming. Every time you trade alignment for approval, you delay the very transformation you’ve been working toward.

Growth Rewrites the Story

Growth doesn’t erase the sting of being misunderstood, but it does reframe it. What once felt like rejection can later reveal itself as redirection. A “no” that branded you the villain in someone else’s eyes may be the very boundary that safeguarded your becoming.

This is how growth rewrites the story: by shifting the role. You stop seeing yourself as the problem and start seeing yourself as the woman who chose alignment, even when it cost approval. Over time, that choice becomes less about who walked away and more about who you became in the process.

Practical Shifts to Hold Onto Yourself

Growth doesn’t ask you to harden. It asks you to anchor. When the villain story threatens to pull you off course, these simple practices can help:

• Write down one boundary you want to keep and pair it with the phrase: “This boundary honors me, even if others don’t understand it.”
  
  

• Notice where you’re holding back just to stay liked. Ask yourself: Am I choosing approval over alignment?
  
  

• At the end of the week, write your own headline: “She chose herself and…” Fill in the blank. Let that guide your next step.

Gentle Close

If you’ve ever been called selfish, dramatic, or the villain for choosing yourself, know this: it might just mean you’re growing.

Villains aren’t always the bad guys. Sometimes they’re the women who finally stopped shrinking, started honoring their boundaries, and gave themselves permission to become.

Listen to the full episode with Mita Mallick for more on pain, power, and the courage to own your story.